Michael Neill of Genius Catalyst and author of 'You Can Have What You Want' and 'Feel Happy Now' had an interesting article in his newsletter this week. I have reproduced it for you below:
CLEAN PAIN, DIRTY PAIN by Michael Neill
"Laughter is the highest form of prayer."
-Reinhold Niebuhr
In her wonderful new book "Steering by Starlight", Martha Beck tells the story of how her Down syndrome son Adam proudly brought his new watch to school, only to see it broken by a friend who accidentally dropped it on the floor. Their teacher felt so bad on Adam's behalf that she continued to scold Adam's friend for the rest of the day and on into the next.
As she tells the story in her book...
"...while the class was working quietly on a project, Adam approached (the teacher's) desk.
'Ms. Morrison,' he observed politely, 'it was my watch.'
'I know, honey,' Ms. Morrison groaned, feeling just awful. 'I shouldn't have let you lend it to Jared.'
'No,' said Adam, frowning with frustration. 'It was *my* watch.'
'And it was awful that he broke it. I'm so sorry.'
Adam began to laugh. Then, for several seconds, he thought very hard, the way he does when he absolutely has to make himself understood.
'Ms. Morrison,' he said very slowly, 'it... was... *my*... watch. Not... yours.'
He looked at her intently to see if she'd get it. And then, for Ms. Morrison, the light dawned.
'Oh,' she said. 'You mean I should let it go?'
Adam burst out laughing again, heaved a huge sigh of relief, and went happily back to his seat."
What I love about this story is that it so clearly demonstrates the difference between what Acceptance & Commitment Therapy (ACT) pioneer Steven Hayes calls "clean pain" and "dirty pain".
"Clean pain" is inherent in life itself - the things we
love will be broken or lost, the people we love will die, and our
own bodies will grow old (if we're lucky) and die. Yet along with "clean
pain" comes the ability to bear it - the strength inside to bear whatever
life throws at us and come out the other side
stronger than
before.
"Dirty pain" is much more difficult, because it is self-generated and self-maintained. It is the suffering we create for ourselves in the privacy of our own mind, spinning stories about what it all means and why our pain is "different".
It's the pain that comes from thinking that our lives ended with the life of the man or woman we love, or the hundreds of daily assaults we put ourselves through in our thoughts when our body only had to experience one assault, one time.
"Dirty pain" is so painful in part because we are not biologically designed to combat it. All the adrenaline in the world won't help you fight an imaginary dragon, and so instead the slings and arrows of our outrageous fortune find new targets in the people and world around us.
But the good news (you did realize there was going to be good news, didn't you? :-) is that simply recognizing the difference between the essential pain of being human and the self-generated suffering of your thoughts is the beginning of the end of that suffering.
No matter how scary a movie you may be watching, the second you remember that you're in a movie theatre being "entertained" by flickering images on a screen, the bulk of that fear will drain away. And the moment you begin to notice that you're not afraid of what you think you're afraid of - you're afraid of what you think - your own fear of life will begin to fade and be replaced by the essential bliss of existence.
What I have learned since I first began to study for myself the nature of what it is to be a human being over twenty years ago is that the old adage is true:
Pain is inevitable;
Joy is
available;
Suffering is optional -
But you'll have to provide it for
yourself.
(c) 2008 Michael Neill/All Rights Reserved
To subscribe to Michael's newsletter or to post your thoughts on the discussion forums on his website, visit him online at Genius Catalyst.
Comments